Motherhood is just never what we expect, is it?
I’ve been working hard to prepare my heart for Advent, but it just hasn’t happened as quickly as I’d hoped. I think life has me stressed – the heater went out, the washer died (permanently and we now have to crow bar the dang thing open), car repairs were expensive, one of my kids is *really* testing my patience, I am exhausted, a burglary happened in our neighborhood and has me freaked out and, and, and…
But last night, I did something I don’t usually do. I stayed up way past my bedtime (okay, that I do) but instead of just hitting the pillow I decided to really dive into a book. Forming Intentional Disciples. Every time I read a new chapter I’m all, “Oh my good gravy, I have got to process that on the blog.” This is where I figure out life. Sometimes I think it’s where God speaks to me. Some people pray, others gab with girlfriends, me? I write.
Sometimes I feel brave behind this keyboard. As in, I can write this and nobody is really reading. And then you people comment and I think, dang, maybe I should’ve said that a little nicer. Or, maybe I shouldn’t have said it all.
This weekend I’m heading on retreat with the Dominican Sisters. I have every reason in the world not to go, but my heart knows better. As does my belly. They have go-od food there. And confession. And adoration. And now I’ve lost all my readers who aren’t Catholic. Just trust me when I tell you that I am never more at peace, more content, more happy than I am when I sit in the chapel with Jesus. That’s what adoration is for us Catholics. It’s like a frosty Dr Pepper on a hot summer’s day with your BFF. And I get to chat with Him this weekend.
I need that.
We all need peace, I think. Christmas often gets a bad rap, but we mostly do it to ourselves. You know, the **** elf has to travel to the North Pole and appear in different places in your home (why, or WHY did we start that tradition?), the house has to be decorated, cards sent out, parties attended, gifts bought. And we feel it all has to be done a certain way because Pinterest says so.
I’m trying to capture the Kathryn from Thanksgiving Day. The one who felt content to just eat some pie, wash some dishes and make homemade hot chocolate for the kids. I trust she’ll reappear this weekend and all will be right with the world. As I was reading last night, I felt Baby W kick – a lot. Those sweet little flutters reminded me how much I adore being pregnant during the Advent season. In some ways, it feels very cool to be in solidarity with Mary. While I know there’s no way I could ride a donkey at nearly 19 weeks, much less 40, it’s the anticipation of the birth that I love. If I feel this way about our new life, how much joy and worry must Mary have felt 2,000 years ago? It’s mind boggling stuff.
I am praying that your Advent is filled with some peace – you’re going to have drama, so just own it – but I’m hopeful the peace gets a bigger place at your dinner table, and mine, too.
Happy first week of Advent!