Yo God, I’m Here, Where Are You?
Before I get too far gone, you may want to check out my post over at ACNM about my blogging epiphany. Go on, I’ll wait.
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I’ll just go ahead and get it off my chest. September is a hard month for me.
There’s the anniversary of my miscarriage, Luke’s birthday and the difficult hospital stay that followed. And, did I mention Luke starts preschool today? Every year I think it’s going to get a bit easier. In some ways it does. But, PTSD reminds me that indeed, I still carry emotional scars that will never fully go away. Don’t go paging the doctor yet. I just wanted you to know that if I suddenly go off on a tangent or you don’t hear from me for a couple of days, there’s a reason.
I really hesitated to write this post, but after my experience at the Catholic New Media Conference last Friday I felt called to share. Deep breath.
This weekend, Scott and I had some lovely family time. We also enjoyed a few movies on Netflix and worked on a home improvement project. It was pretty much the perfect weekend. I almost forgot that September began on Saturday.
But then I didn’t.
Sunday night, after I heard all the chickies snoring away, I could feel the tears coming. I have no idea why, but the tears came. I had to get out of bed so I wouldn’t wake Scott. Don’t worry, I shared all this with him later, before banging it out and sharing it with all y’all on the blog.
I found myself tiptoeing upstairs to check on all the kids. There I was, sitting in the dark, crying like a big, fat baby. There was an overwhelming sense of gratitude, of thankfulness, for the life I’m living, though. Earlier in the day an older gentleman saw Luke running around like a crazy person and he commented, “Wow, you have your hands full with that one.” I replied, “Yes, full of a crazy amount of blessings.” I couldn’t help but hear his words, echoing in my mind as I watched the steady breathing of my children.
I do have my hands full. I did do it on purpose. I do love my life. And, yes, I do love Dos Equis. This chapter, this moment, is where I should be. I’m not wishing for my children to grow up any faster so I can have more time to myself nor am I wishing for it to slow down. The pace we’re at is, as Goldilocks would say, “just right.”
Eventually, I perched myself at the top of the stairs and started praying. It wasn’t planned, but the words just began to flow. Inevitably, I found myself asking Mary to offer up some intercessions on my behalf over these next few weeks – that my heart is at peace, that the fear and anxiety of a birth and a loss of a baby would be minimized and that I would be joyful.
My life was so very different a decade ago when I didn’t know the pain of miscarriage. My relationship with God deepened three years ago when sweet Luke was born. I certainly don’t think it was God’s plan that the suffering occurred nor do I think he sends special kids to special parents. You know what I think? {too bad, I’m telling you anyway}
I think – wait, I know – that God is faithful. In the moments when I’ve struggled, been angry or cried out with a “you have GOT to be kidding me” He was right there. If seeing Him on the cross, bearing the weight of my sins, hurts my heart then imagine what our human pain does to His. Ultimately, it was my final Hail Mary when I breathed a deep breath and opened my eyes.
As I headed back downstairs, the peace was undeniable. Perhaps it was because I remembered just how much I’m loved.
This post was so beautifully written. I think whether we realize it is happening or not, we all have these moments of gratitude that comes over us. However, not all of us are able to express it this well. Thank you for sharing.
Kathryn,
This is a lovely post that I identify with on so many levels. My life events have shaken me to the core, and my faith has developed into something different than I started with. Almost more mature, but definitely stronger. Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment of illumination with us.
Thank you, Kathryn, for being so honest and putting into words so eloquently what I am sure many feel at different times (certainly myself). God bless.
Thanks for your honesty, Kathryn. I can tell it was truly heartfelt. You’re definitely not alone – many of us (including me) have those moments around certain anniversary dates or holding on to certain fears or being in a certain situation that bring us to our knees. It is during these times, for me, that I especially feel God carry me. I will keep you in my prayers this month. I’m glad your experience at the media conference helped you to share such a beautiful story with us.
I know that feeling. We are sometimes on similar yet different paths but I know. I have had that moment. And more than I know, HE knows. HE knows. There has not been another person who has been with you on this path, each step, each doubt, each victory, each moment that has taken your breath away. There is a peace in knowing that He knows and that He wants for you more than you want for yourself, your children, your family. May you hold onto that peace these days of September. May you feel His love as palpable as you feel the love for your children. May you be blessed by His grace when you need it the most and when you least expect it too.
And should you need to talk or just fold laundry, I can bring the Dos Equis or coffee or DP.
There is peace in that, but your comment reminded me just how much God knows. It was awesome running into you today. Playdates and margaritas soon!
Yesterday I stumbled across your blog searching for organising tips. Then I got sucked in…4 and a half hours later I had laughed and cried reading about your journey. I was excited to see such a positive and normal portrayal of Catholic life on a blog. I particularly liked your description of catholic schools, that is exactly why I became a catholic school teacher. I just hope and pray that I am blessed enough to marry a wonderful man and have wonderful children some time in the not too distant future. So i’ll keep checking in on the Whitaker’s every now and then from my lounge chair in Australia.
Dana, I’m putting this comment in my “most favorites ones ever” file! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your sweet words. Australia…ah. Someday I will get there. It’s on my bucket list!