Thank goodness I have this blog, otherwise I don’t know where else I would write down all these random thoughts that swirl through my head.
Before I get started, yesterday’s photo of John Paul needs a quick explanation. When he got home from school he was in everybody’s business causing all sorts of trouble. I sent him to his room to read. This is what we found when we called him down for dinner. What a funny man.
On to son #3, Luke. Actually, this is more how Luke is affecting me. You know today I’m just not feeling like a good mom with all the answers. Luke hit his 6-month milestone last Thursday. No, I didn’t forget, just didn’t get the moment to post it on the blog. Today we had his well check and it went as I suspected. Mostly good, but there are some biggies that aren’t so good. Luke is not gaining weight. In fact, he’s at the same weight he was three weeks ago, 10lb. 3oz. Not good. Not good at all. So, while I laugh at the freezer full of pumped milk, I also cry. Because in addition to not gaining weight, he’s not nursing well and he refuses to take a bottle. We are so sleep deprived it’s not even funny and I can’t get my son to gain weight. How’s that for irony?
Today Lord, the cross is unbearably heavy.
Clare is fussy because, well just because.
Anna-Laura is sassy beyond help, I believe.
John Paul is trouble.
Will celebrates his 9th birthday this weekend.
And I feel like Scott and I will get a free minute together sometime in 2025.
I am tired in every way. And, in that same breath, I am happy in every way too. Luke is a blessing in our family and has allowed us to be beneficiaries of so much generosity that I am humbled. Scott is an amazing husband who somehow, magically, can get Luke back to sleep at 3am. Will is so responsible and caring and I love that kid to death. John Paul keeps us laughing. Anna-Laura, when she’s not throwing a fit, is Luke’s biggest admirer. And, Clare is a ray of sunshine when we most need it.
But the tears just started flowing at the pediatrician visit today. I’ve said it before, but it is worth repeating, Dr. Enders is the bomb. She spent 45 minutes with Luke and I today – and I know she had a roomful of patients waiting. I know that we will get through this. I know that Luke will start gaining weight. I know that today seems long, but Luke will be a year in a flash.
But today, TODAY, is hard. This moment, this hour is draining all I have left. I have shared my thoughts with God on His plan. Not a fan, God.
For me, one of the hardest things to hear is, “Oh, I’m so glad Luke is all better.” If you’ve said that, please don’t take offense or apologize. It’s just that Luke isn’t really ever going to be better. No surgery, no hospital stay, no medication, no specialist will make him like other kids. I think that’s what I’m struggling with on this day. Your mind starts to fast forward life and then you feel overwhelmed and you want to go mutter to yourself in a dark corner. Not a good idea, folks.
As I was nursing Luke just a moment ago, I stumbled across a reflection from another mom about how she identified with Mary and asked for her intercession. And so I did. I found myself asking for some guidance, some solace, some direction. I figured a mom that holds her dying son in her arms knows a thing or two about carrying a cross.
On the bright side, the refrigerator that I though was void of Dr. Pepper still had one left (thank you God). The after-school crazy starts in 85 minutes, so I better stop feeling sorry for myself 🙂